One cause of general unhappiness is low expectations, which becomes specific during the holidays. Many people expect the time from Thanksgiving through Chanukah and Christmas to be stressful and harried, and their low expectations come true, year after year.
Before you say, “That’s just the reality,” consider that reality is always personal. The power to raise our expectations belongs to you alone. We can attack the holiday blues from that perspective.
The issue can be broken down into two mindsets. The mindset that finds the holiday season a time of comfort and joy is the opposite of the mindset that finds the holidays stressful and harried, but both operate through perception, settled beliefs, and confirmation bias. These are all open to change.
Perception: There has been a major shift in the U.S. from holidays as holy to holidays as commercial. From Black Friday onward, we see a glut of consumerism all around us, along with a blatant disregard for the religious significance of the holiday season. Thanksgiving has been reframed to erase the significance of giving thanks to God, which was the original intent. It is easy to perceive the holidays as meaningless.
Settled beliefs have also suffered a major shift. The deepest beliefs, which used to be religious, no longer serve as a source of inspiration. The focus is now on social and psychological beliefs, most of them negative. The more you experience holiday blues and stress, the more likely you are to believe that there is nothing to be done to improve things. The holidays turn into a time of mood swings, detached from any belief that something good is inherent in a holiday celebration.
Confirmation bias reinforces an attitude and belief you want to hold on to. You pick up only on the input that makes you right. This is especially true in regard to human nature. The drunk uncle at the Thanksgiving table is a symbol for general disgruntlement over how badly people behave. Families brace for the worst, and it takes only a slight trigger, the hint of an argument or disagreement, for “I told you so” or “They’re at it again” to confirm that nothing ever changes.
If these ingredients are factors in shaping personal reality, how can we change them? The first step, and by far the most powerful, is to adopt a change of expectations as your priority this season. Make it your private project. Your aim is a shift in awareness, which can be accomplished on all three fronts.
Perception can be shifted by realizing that there is no such thing as a perception without an interpretation. That drunk uncle at the table can be interpreted in any way you choose. You can be tolerantly indulgent, forgiving, offended, distressed, angry—no one is subject to a cookie-cutter interpretation. You can detach yourself, not by turning your back on other people, but by saying to yourself, “I‘m being triggered right now, but I don’t need to act on it.”
Settled beliefs are the source of your triggers, because they lead to reactive behavior. If you believe that someone is an annoying nuisance, hearing their voice on the telephone immediately causes an adverse reaction, and the opposite if the person you believe to be a loving or wise ally. It is a major project to delve into your belief system, but setting that aside, you can be aware of having a knee-jerk reaction.
This instant of awareness is a pivot point. Either you notice that you are being reactive and let the reaction fade away, or you fall for your reaction and encourage it by something you say or do next. Noticing a knee-jerk reaction without judgment has the power to cause the reaction to fade away, because in the absence of judgment, you can be detached from the reaction. Remember, your beliefs are not you.
Confirmation bias can be undermined by examining your desire to be right. For many people, particularly those with a competitive or controlling streak, being right is a compulsive need because it validates their self-conception. You can improve things by looking at yourself and at the people around you to assess how important it is to be right.
The stronger the need, the more reason to stop joining in. Confirmation bias draws other people in as a consensus group. “We” are united by not being “them.” As regards the holidays, try not to be drawn into the company of people who sound the same negative note of grumbling, cynicism, and criticism. There’s a lot of that going around during the holidays, but you don’t need to agree with it, much less join in.
As you can see, the project of shifting your expectations can expand as far as you wish it to. Awareness is the key, and self-awareness is the most powerful kind of awareness. You alone can choose what to pay attention to, how you interpret an experience, and who to align yourself with. The path of awakening in the spiritual sense is through awareness, which brings us to an important point.
The holidays are more enjoyable as a source of comfort and joy, but their underlying intention is to bring awareness to the surface. Winter is naturally a time for inward reflection, and the holidays are holy days in whatever sense you choose. Let this be a time of heightened awareness. Have the intention of raising your expectations, and then place your attention on realizing these new expectations.
I hope I’ve opened the door for your holiday project “in here,” in the domain where joy, bliss, self-awareness, compassion, insight, loving kindness, and selfless service are always possibilities. Awaken the possibilities, and your holidays will be totally transformed.
Namaste,
Deepak